SINGAPORE: “Got boyfriend already or not?”
“Huh, still don’t have girlfriend ah? How come leh.”
“You’re not young anymore, you know.”
“Come, auntie help you find.”
Chinese New Year is upon us - the period where many of us who are unattached dread the prospect of fending off nosy relatives, whose questions about our love lives (or lack thereof) sometimes fringe on intrusive.
As a junior doctor working in the public health system, some of my fellow single colleagues would rather volunteer to be on call for hospital duty over the Chinese New Year holidays, than sit through endless visitations where they’re grilled by relatives about their singlehood.
As modernised as Singapore is, finding a romantic partner here is still a communal affair in many ways.
For many young adults, our friends and families often want to meet and approve of who we’re seeing. Meeting the parents is widely considered a milestone that “establishes” the relationship.
And when we’re single, our relatives take it upon themselves to help us scout for our match made in heaven, the heat intensifying as the clock ticks down.
A 26-year-old friend of mine has never had a boyfriend - a fact that inspires concern from many of her relatives. “Finding a good husband is key to a successful and happy future,” one of her aunts told her, urging her to find a man soon.
Human beings are social creatures by nature; we long for companionship. The Singapore Perspectives 2024 survey found that among Singaporeans aged 21 to 34, even though 74 per cent of women and 64 per cent of men feel that it’s not necessary to get married, 60 per cent of women and 77 per cent of men still foresee marriage in their future.
In discussing these results, the Institute of Policy Studies’ Kalpana Vignehsa suggested that while marriage is no longer central to identity for Singaporean youths, it continues to be desirable.
This seems to be true for my friend as well, who confided: “It’s not that I don’t want to get married. I just haven’t found someone suitable yet.”
Yet, for now, she is content to remain single, “if that means meeting the right person later down the line”.
“I’d rather wait than rush into things,” she added.
Even for those of us who are initially unfazed by our lack of romantic engagements, mounting pressure from our loved ones can put us ill at ease. We start feeling anxious that time is running out, becoming insecure and doubtful of our romantic prospects.
This adds pressure to the dating game. With the silent expectation of each new connection turning into something more, we leave less and less room for things to develop organically. Dating, as with any relationship, loses its shine when it becomes too goal-oriented.
Those in their 20s and 30s will be familiar with this routine: Every weekend, Instagram posts of someone getting down on one knee and diamond rings on fingers, against backdrops of pristine lakes or snow-capped mountains, captured by friends, family, or even a professional photographer.
Our filtered social media feeds inundate us with picture-perfect poses and captions waxing lyrical about relationships and marriages. Sentimental, romantic, and looking oh so easy.
It can often feel like we’re the only ones struggling to land a date, work through a floundering relationship, or heal from a heart-wrenching break-up. We keep waiting for our Prince Charming (or Princess) to appear - and grow a little more despondent with each passing day they don’t.
But what exactly are we imagining and waiting for - and why?
While marriage is no longer central to identity for Singaporean youths, it continues to be desirable. (Photo: CNA/Raj Nadarajan)
On social media, seldom does the mundane get reflected, much less the unpleasant and disagreeable. If we take what we see there as whole, complete representations of love and dating, our understanding of relationships can become warped, airbrushed and unrealistic.
Our own beliefs and priorities morph into what we think we should want or value, instead of what we actually want or value – “This is what my partner should do to make me feel special”, or “These are the kinds of places my partner should take me on dates”.
In a digital age where our online presence is increasingly staged and performed for a virtual audience, perhaps the solution is to look deeper inward and evaluate what truly matters to us.
Just a few decades ago, our romantic partners were confined to a small pool of acquaintances from the physical spaces we occupy: School, work, our neighbourhoods, and so on.
Today, online dating platforms such as apps have expanded our range of options exponentially. We now have the ability to swipe through hundreds of profiles in one sitting - people we wouldn’t have crossed paths with otherwise. They don’t even have to be in the same city or country.
Optionality is enticing - but it also presents the illusion that there is always someone better “out there”. As a result, we become less willing to compromise and commit.
Another friend, who has been in several relationships over the past few years, shares that the guys she meets always seem to be lacking in one aspect or another: “There’s always something that misses the mark - a personality trait that feels like a mismatch, or a minor character flaw I can’t get past.”
This is echoed by many others in our generation: We are no longer as accepting of inadequacies in our potential partners, and our willingness to persevere and work through conflicts with our partners dwindles.
Rather than riding out the storm together, it’s far easier to end the relationship and go in search of the “next best thing” on the horizon.
However, relationships are meant to be worked through, not arrived at. Couplehood is a negotiation of give and take, of generosity and compromise.
Nobody is perfect, and no one can ever be completely satisfied. Instead of seeking perfection with a “get it right the first time” mentality, what if we acquired a “work things out as we go along” mentality instead?
Louis de Bernieres wrote in his novel Captain Corelli's Mandolin: “Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
The struggle of dating is a perennial one. After all, relationships take hard work - which takes time - and a bit of luck.
So, in the meantime, what do we say to our relatives when they start asking if we have a date this Chinese New Year?
Instead of rejecting advice from our concerned aunties and uncles or shutting them out completely, consider listening to what they have to say.
Much of the best dating advice I’ve received has been from my grandmother, as well as my cousins. After all, our relatives wish us well - and in many of their minds, that means watching us walk down the aisle with our special someone.
Nevertheless, relationships are ultimately private matters of the heart. No one should hasten us into dating or settling down when we’re not ready, and our relatives’ opinions, however well-intentioned, are just for our consideration.
For myself, I’m focused on finding a way to look past the nagging and haranguing to appreciate the genuine care my own relatives have for me.
Wearing their concern like a lucky talisman, I might just find my way into my own “fortunate accident”.
Faye Ng Yu Ci is a junior doctor in the Singapore healthcare system.
Continue reading...
“Huh, still don’t have girlfriend ah? How come leh.”
“You’re not young anymore, you know.”
“Come, auntie help you find.”
Chinese New Year is upon us - the period where many of us who are unattached dread the prospect of fending off nosy relatives, whose questions about our love lives (or lack thereof) sometimes fringe on intrusive.
As a junior doctor working in the public health system, some of my fellow single colleagues would rather volunteer to be on call for hospital duty over the Chinese New Year holidays, than sit through endless visitations where they’re grilled by relatives about their singlehood.
WHY DO THEIR QUESTIONS MAKE US UNCOMFORTABLE?
As modernised as Singapore is, finding a romantic partner here is still a communal affair in many ways.
For many young adults, our friends and families often want to meet and approve of who we’re seeing. Meeting the parents is widely considered a milestone that “establishes” the relationship.
And when we’re single, our relatives take it upon themselves to help us scout for our match made in heaven, the heat intensifying as the clock ticks down.
A 26-year-old friend of mine has never had a boyfriend - a fact that inspires concern from many of her relatives. “Finding a good husband is key to a successful and happy future,” one of her aunts told her, urging her to find a man soon.
Human beings are social creatures by nature; we long for companionship. The Singapore Perspectives 2024 survey found that among Singaporeans aged 21 to 34, even though 74 per cent of women and 64 per cent of men feel that it’s not necessary to get married, 60 per cent of women and 77 per cent of men still foresee marriage in their future.
In discussing these results, the Institute of Policy Studies’ Kalpana Vignehsa suggested that while marriage is no longer central to identity for Singaporean youths, it continues to be desirable.
Related:
This seems to be true for my friend as well, who confided: “It’s not that I don’t want to get married. I just haven’t found someone suitable yet.”
Yet, for now, she is content to remain single, “if that means meeting the right person later down the line”.
“I’d rather wait than rush into things,” she added.
Even for those of us who are initially unfazed by our lack of romantic engagements, mounting pressure from our loved ones can put us ill at ease. We start feeling anxious that time is running out, becoming insecure and doubtful of our romantic prospects.
This adds pressure to the dating game. With the silent expectation of each new connection turning into something more, we leave less and less room for things to develop organically. Dating, as with any relationship, loses its shine when it becomes too goal-oriented.
AN AIRBRUSHED FANTASY
Those in their 20s and 30s will be familiar with this routine: Every weekend, Instagram posts of someone getting down on one knee and diamond rings on fingers, against backdrops of pristine lakes or snow-capped mountains, captured by friends, family, or even a professional photographer.
Our filtered social media feeds inundate us with picture-perfect poses and captions waxing lyrical about relationships and marriages. Sentimental, romantic, and looking oh so easy.
It can often feel like we’re the only ones struggling to land a date, work through a floundering relationship, or heal from a heart-wrenching break-up. We keep waiting for our Prince Charming (or Princess) to appear - and grow a little more despondent with each passing day they don’t.
But what exactly are we imagining and waiting for - and why?
While marriage is no longer central to identity for Singaporean youths, it continues to be desirable. (Photo: CNA/Raj Nadarajan)
On social media, seldom does the mundane get reflected, much less the unpleasant and disagreeable. If we take what we see there as whole, complete representations of love and dating, our understanding of relationships can become warped, airbrushed and unrealistic.
Our own beliefs and priorities morph into what we think we should want or value, instead of what we actually want or value – “This is what my partner should do to make me feel special”, or “These are the kinds of places my partner should take me on dates”.
In a digital age where our online presence is increasingly staged and performed for a virtual audience, perhaps the solution is to look deeper inward and evaluate what truly matters to us.
STOP AIMING FOR PERFECTION
Just a few decades ago, our romantic partners were confined to a small pool of acquaintances from the physical spaces we occupy: School, work, our neighbourhoods, and so on.
Today, online dating platforms such as apps have expanded our range of options exponentially. We now have the ability to swipe through hundreds of profiles in one sitting - people we wouldn’t have crossed paths with otherwise. They don’t even have to be in the same city or country.
Optionality is enticing - but it also presents the illusion that there is always someone better “out there”. As a result, we become less willing to compromise and commit.
Another friend, who has been in several relationships over the past few years, shares that the guys she meets always seem to be lacking in one aspect or another: “There’s always something that misses the mark - a personality trait that feels like a mismatch, or a minor character flaw I can’t get past.”
This is echoed by many others in our generation: We are no longer as accepting of inadequacies in our potential partners, and our willingness to persevere and work through conflicts with our partners dwindles.
Rather than riding out the storm together, it’s far easier to end the relationship and go in search of the “next best thing” on the horizon.
However, relationships are meant to be worked through, not arrived at. Couplehood is a negotiation of give and take, of generosity and compromise.
Nobody is perfect, and no one can ever be completely satisfied. Instead of seeking perfection with a “get it right the first time” mentality, what if we acquired a “work things out as we go along” mentality instead?
Related:
HARD WORK, AND A BIT OF LUCK
Louis de Bernieres wrote in his novel Captain Corelli's Mandolin: “Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”
The struggle of dating is a perennial one. After all, relationships take hard work - which takes time - and a bit of luck.
So, in the meantime, what do we say to our relatives when they start asking if we have a date this Chinese New Year?
Instead of rejecting advice from our concerned aunties and uncles or shutting them out completely, consider listening to what they have to say.
Much of the best dating advice I’ve received has been from my grandmother, as well as my cousins. After all, our relatives wish us well - and in many of their minds, that means watching us walk down the aisle with our special someone.
Nevertheless, relationships are ultimately private matters of the heart. No one should hasten us into dating or settling down when we’re not ready, and our relatives’ opinions, however well-intentioned, are just for our consideration.
For myself, I’m focused on finding a way to look past the nagging and haranguing to appreciate the genuine care my own relatives have for me.
Wearing their concern like a lucky talisman, I might just find my way into my own “fortunate accident”.
Faye Ng Yu Ci is a junior doctor in the Singapore healthcare system.
Continue reading...