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FAST
SINGAPORE: When he was in his teens, Eugene Francesco Ong-Nonis used to dodge his friends’ questions about why he looked nothing like his dad and mum.
It was “not normal” to be a foster child, he thought, as most children did not live apart from their biological families. The then secondary school student dreaded the possibility of being teased “(as if he) had no parents”.
Those feelings of insecurity and awkwardness have since faded. Now 24, he has opened up about life with his “big, noisy” blended family who took him in as a baby.
He has even legally changed his name to honour both his blood and foster ties. “It’s my identity,” he said. “Without my foster parents, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
Ong-Nonis with his foster father, Gerard Nonis.
Ong-Nonis is one of three former foster children who spoke to CNA Insider about how life in foster care shaped their sense of identity and trust and what it means to truly call somewhere home.
Foster care in Singapore is a temporary arrangement whereby children are placed in welfare homes or foster families when their birth parents cannot care for them owing to financial or safety issues.
Although the aim is to reunite the children with their biological families, some youths choose to stay on in their foster households, which have become a lasting source of support and belonging.
The trio whom CNA Insider met had found their own understanding of family — that being part of one is not about blood ties but about the relationships built over time, from sibling bonds to parental support.
Ong-Nonis (right) with two of his foster siblings in a childhood photograph.
In his home, Ong-Nonis found unwavering support and the confidence to become a veterinary technician.
Citing the long, backbreaking hours, emotional toll and lack of prestige in animal care, he said most parents would baulk at the idea of their child working in such a sector.
“(But my foster parents) never told us that we should be a doctor or lawyer or … should (strive to) be rich,” he said gratefully.
In a home always filled with pets, his love of animals flourished from a young age. And seeing that, his foster parents were supportive of him even taking up horse riding as a co-curricular activity at secondary school.
Ong-Nonis practising a trick with Ivee the dog.
“We always had a pet in the house at different times, like birds, hamsters, a dog, cats and even fish,” he said.
Besides crediting his foster parents for nurturing his passion, he said they encouraged him to maintain a relationship with his birth mother, whom he also calls Mum.
Despite his personal indifference — he has always felt she was more of a family acquaintance than a parent — he keeps in touch with her so that “she doesn’t feel neglected”.
“A lot of (the) nurturing (I got) was (provided) by my foster parents,” he said. “As much as I try to internalise that she’s (also) my mother, it’s difficult because (there wasn’t) that regular contact.”
Ong-Nonis’ photo bauble hanging on his family’s Christmas tree.
With his busy work schedule now, he said, his foster mother must nag him to check in with his birth mum from time to time. And he complies, texting her on occasion and visiting every Chinese New Year.
“As much as (these gestures) seem little to me, my foster mum sees them in a different light as a mother,” he said. “She did say that at the end of the day, ‘you’re also her son’.
“So it’s for (my birth mum).”
Calling his foster parents “the bridge” between him and his biological parents, he also appreciates their efforts at helping him understand whence he came.
Having been raised in a Eurasian household, keeping in touch with his Chinese side has allowed him to grasp the complexities of his personal background. His double-barrelled surname, Ong-Nonis, is a reflection of his appreciation for his heritage.
Ong-Nonis also has three biological sisters, whom he does not contact regularly but sees at Chinese New Year reunions.
“Without (my foster parents), I wouldn’t have sort of remembered my roots,” he said.
Hunter Tan, meanwhile, never got to know his birth family. But his foster family helped him grow up happily, “just like any normal kid”.
The 21-year-old, a first-year business studies undergraduate, credited his “tiger sister” — the eldest of his foster parents’ three daughters — for keeping him in check and on top of his studies during his rebellious years.
He also recalled how his foster father would take him to school daily despite working long shifts as a taxi driver. It was, to him, a simple yet meaningful everyday act of love.
Hunter Tan opens up about life with his foster family.
“Despite not being blood-related, they still took care of me and treated me like their own brother and son,” he said.
Those familial bonds were tested, however, at the age of seven, when Hunter’s foster mum disclosed that he was in the foster care system and that their family took him in as an infant.
“Why didn’t they tell me (earlier)?” wondered Tan, who was initially angry and confused about having been kept in the dark. The sting of perceived abandonment by his birth family also hit hard at first.
“Back then, I hated my (biological) mum,” he said. “I was like, ‘Why did you throw me away? Why? Why haven’t you come back?’”
Tan showing CNA Insider one of his childhood photos.
But as the shock wore off, he came to trust his foster family had followed their “instincts” about when to tell him the truth. He drew encouragement from how they made him feel seen and valued, and their relationship remained unaffected.
When he once felt sad about being unable to join his classmates on an overseas primary school trip, his foster family surprised him with a staycation in Sentosa.
At that time, he did not have a passport owing to his birth circumstances.
His foster sisters also comforted him, saying that they did not get to travel until their mid-teens and that his turn would come. It helped him feel less alone.
Tan said his foster family never made him feel any different from other children as he grew up.
Now that he has aged out of the system, he intends to change his surname legally, as “a form of respect” for the fact that his foster family raised him for 21 years.
It “doesn’t mean that Tan hasn’t been in my name”, he said, adding that he would always be grateful to the birth family who gave him life.
Looking back, he thinks it likely his birth mum had been in difficult circumstances, and he is thankful she left him in the care of the authorities when she could have done otherwise.
“There’s nothing to forgive (her for),” he said. “(Rather), I need to forgive myself for hating her, for being immature at that point in time.”
For 22-year-old Pauline Alejado, home was not always a safe place as it had been for Tan and Ong-Nonis. Owing to child abuse from her birth family, she still struggles to open up to others.
“I can’t seem to (have) a long-term relationship,” she said. “It’s all short-term and shallow friends. ... (It’s) like — what am I not doing right?”
Alejado, who is now an accounting undergraduate, often compares herself with others and craves their approval. “I always feel that I don’t deserve anything,” she said. “Because last time, my (birth) dad would say, ‘No one will ever want you.’”
When she first moved in with her foster family at age 16, she was so withdrawn that it took her an hour to answer a simple question from her foster parents.
Before entering foster care, Pauline Alejado was often made to sleep on her living room floor. Having her own bed in her foster home was a luxury at first.
Years of instability left her fearful of forming relationships; she was convinced they could be “broken at any time”. Before that, she had spent three years in a children’s welfare home, where staff and residents constantly came and went.
So she buried herself in her studies, hoping to secure her future as she was certain that she could only rely on herself after ageing out of the system.
“My (birth) dad used to say, ‘blood is thicker than water’, meaning our blood family are the closest people we have,” she said. “This made me feel that since my blood family didn’t love me, no one ever would.”
But with her foster parents’ patience and her foster sister’s bubbly nature, she slowly opened up. Still, as tensions arose in her late teens over her struggle with an eating disorder, she began to withdraw from her foster family.
Although she sometimes wonders where her biological family is now, she is not keen to reconnect and simply hopes they are doing well.
“I felt like I didn’t deserve them any more,” she said. “After all that they’d done for me, how could I make them angry, you know?”
After a brief stay in the Institute of Mental Health, she was temporarily placed with another foster family and subsequently gave up hope of finding “a permanent home”.
But to her disbelief, her original foster parents reassured her that they wanted her back. They have since committed themselves to better understanding her mental health struggles.
“Though I was once a stranger to them, they were willing to love me as their own child, to stick with me through thick and thin,” she said. “They gave me hope … and a sense of security.
“I can always run to them.”
Alejado could feel that her foster family cared for her, though she found it difficult to open up about her issues at first.
Being with them has also taught her the importance of communication and dealing healthily with conflict in relationships.
“If you want (something) to last, you have to speak about what matters and be able to share your struggles and to trust one another,” she said.
Since ageing out of the foster care system at 21 years old, all three youths have stayed with their foster families — not out of a sense of obligation but because they were home.
Each family also opted to skip the adoption formalities owing to the tedium and costs of the legal process. It had no material impact on their living arrangements either.
Mealtimes are some of Alejado’s most cherished memories with her foster family. Her birth father used to forbid her from joining in meals at the table.
For these former foster children, one thing is clear: The stable, loving homes provided by their foster families have had a transformative effect on their lives.
“Without my foster parents, I don’t think I’d be able to do what I’m doing now,” said Ong-Nonis. “Without them, I can’t be who I am.”
Tan had this to say: “Because of how my parents have always been taking care of me and the people around them, (it makes me) want to be like them.”
As for Alejado, religion and counselling have helped her deal with old wounds.
She has come to see her birth family as a representation of the difficult times she had gone through, while her foster family represents “a new life or a new beginning”.
“(It’s) like there’s a future for me, and it’s not just about surviving,” she said. “They’re the family I want to be with forever, and I know they feel the same way.”
Alejado with her forever family.
Source: CNA/dp
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FAST
SINGAPORE: When he was in his teens, Eugene Francesco Ong-Nonis used to dodge his friends’ questions about why he looked nothing like his dad and mum.
It was “not normal” to be a foster child, he thought, as most children did not live apart from their biological families. The then secondary school student dreaded the possibility of being teased “(as if he) had no parents”.
Those feelings of insecurity and awkwardness have since faded. Now 24, he has opened up about life with his “big, noisy” blended family who took him in as a baby.
He has even legally changed his name to honour both his blood and foster ties. “It’s my identity,” he said. “Without my foster parents, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
Ong-Nonis with his foster father, Gerard Nonis.
Ong-Nonis is one of three former foster children who spoke to CNA Insider about how life in foster care shaped their sense of identity and trust and what it means to truly call somewhere home.
Foster care in Singapore is a temporary arrangement whereby children are placed in welfare homes or foster families when their birth parents cannot care for them owing to financial or safety issues.
Although the aim is to reunite the children with their biological families, some youths choose to stay on in their foster households, which have become a lasting source of support and belonging.
The trio whom CNA Insider met had found their own understanding of family — that being part of one is not about blood ties but about the relationships built over time, from sibling bonds to parental support.
Ong-Nonis (right) with two of his foster siblings in a childhood photograph.
A HOME TO COME INTO HIS OWN
In his home, Ong-Nonis found unwavering support and the confidence to become a veterinary technician.
Citing the long, backbreaking hours, emotional toll and lack of prestige in animal care, he said most parents would baulk at the idea of their child working in such a sector.
“(But my foster parents) never told us that we should be a doctor or lawyer or … should (strive to) be rich,” he said gratefully.
In a home always filled with pets, his love of animals flourished from a young age. And seeing that, his foster parents were supportive of him even taking up horse riding as a co-curricular activity at secondary school.
Ong-Nonis practising a trick with Ivee the dog.
“We always had a pet in the house at different times, like birds, hamsters, a dog, cats and even fish,” he said.
Besides crediting his foster parents for nurturing his passion, he said they encouraged him to maintain a relationship with his birth mother, whom he also calls Mum.
Despite his personal indifference — he has always felt she was more of a family acquaintance than a parent — he keeps in touch with her so that “she doesn’t feel neglected”.
“A lot of (the) nurturing (I got) was (provided) by my foster parents,” he said. “As much as I try to internalise that she’s (also) my mother, it’s difficult because (there wasn’t) that regular contact.”
Ong-Nonis’ photo bauble hanging on his family’s Christmas tree.
With his busy work schedule now, he said, his foster mother must nag him to check in with his birth mum from time to time. And he complies, texting her on occasion and visiting every Chinese New Year.
“As much as (these gestures) seem little to me, my foster mum sees them in a different light as a mother,” he said. “She did say that at the end of the day, ‘you’re also her son’.
“So it’s for (my birth mum).”
Calling his foster parents “the bridge” between him and his biological parents, he also appreciates their efforts at helping him understand whence he came.
Having been raised in a Eurasian household, keeping in touch with his Chinese side has allowed him to grasp the complexities of his personal background. His double-barrelled surname, Ong-Nonis, is a reflection of his appreciation for his heritage.
Ong-Nonis also has three biological sisters, whom he does not contact regularly but sees at Chinese New Year reunions.
“Without (my foster parents), I wouldn’t have sort of remembered my roots,” he said.
A HOME FOR EMOTIONAL REASSURANCE
Hunter Tan, meanwhile, never got to know his birth family. But his foster family helped him grow up happily, “just like any normal kid”.
The 21-year-old, a first-year business studies undergraduate, credited his “tiger sister” — the eldest of his foster parents’ three daughters — for keeping him in check and on top of his studies during his rebellious years.
He also recalled how his foster father would take him to school daily despite working long shifts as a taxi driver. It was, to him, a simple yet meaningful everyday act of love.
Hunter Tan opens up about life with his foster family.
“Despite not being blood-related, they still took care of me and treated me like their own brother and son,” he said.
Those familial bonds were tested, however, at the age of seven, when Hunter’s foster mum disclosed that he was in the foster care system and that their family took him in as an infant.
“Why didn’t they tell me (earlier)?” wondered Tan, who was initially angry and confused about having been kept in the dark. The sting of perceived abandonment by his birth family also hit hard at first.
“Back then, I hated my (biological) mum,” he said. “I was like, ‘Why did you throw me away? Why? Why haven’t you come back?’”
Tan showing CNA Insider one of his childhood photos.
But as the shock wore off, he came to trust his foster family had followed their “instincts” about when to tell him the truth. He drew encouragement from how they made him feel seen and valued, and their relationship remained unaffected.
When he once felt sad about being unable to join his classmates on an overseas primary school trip, his foster family surprised him with a staycation in Sentosa.
At that time, he did not have a passport owing to his birth circumstances.
His foster sisters also comforted him, saying that they did not get to travel until their mid-teens and that his turn would come. It helped him feel less alone.
Tan said his foster family never made him feel any different from other children as he grew up.
Now that he has aged out of the system, he intends to change his surname legally, as “a form of respect” for the fact that his foster family raised him for 21 years.
It “doesn’t mean that Tan hasn’t been in my name”, he said, adding that he would always be grateful to the birth family who gave him life.
Looking back, he thinks it likely his birth mum had been in difficult circumstances, and he is thankful she left him in the care of the authorities when she could have done otherwise.
“There’s nothing to forgive (her for),” he said. “(Rather), I need to forgive myself for hating her, for being immature at that point in time.”
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A HOME WHERE SHE LEARNT TO TRUST AGAIN
For 22-year-old Pauline Alejado, home was not always a safe place as it had been for Tan and Ong-Nonis. Owing to child abuse from her birth family, she still struggles to open up to others.
“I can’t seem to (have) a long-term relationship,” she said. “It’s all short-term and shallow friends. ... (It’s) like — what am I not doing right?”
Alejado, who is now an accounting undergraduate, often compares herself with others and craves their approval. “I always feel that I don’t deserve anything,” she said. “Because last time, my (birth) dad would say, ‘No one will ever want you.’”
When she first moved in with her foster family at age 16, she was so withdrawn that it took her an hour to answer a simple question from her foster parents.
Before entering foster care, Pauline Alejado was often made to sleep on her living room floor. Having her own bed in her foster home was a luxury at first.
Years of instability left her fearful of forming relationships; she was convinced they could be “broken at any time”. Before that, she had spent three years in a children’s welfare home, where staff and residents constantly came and went.
So she buried herself in her studies, hoping to secure her future as she was certain that she could only rely on herself after ageing out of the system.
“My (birth) dad used to say, ‘blood is thicker than water’, meaning our blood family are the closest people we have,” she said. “This made me feel that since my blood family didn’t love me, no one ever would.”
But with her foster parents’ patience and her foster sister’s bubbly nature, she slowly opened up. Still, as tensions arose in her late teens over her struggle with an eating disorder, she began to withdraw from her foster family.
Although she sometimes wonders where her biological family is now, she is not keen to reconnect and simply hopes they are doing well.
“I felt like I didn’t deserve them any more,” she said. “After all that they’d done for me, how could I make them angry, you know?”
After a brief stay in the Institute of Mental Health, she was temporarily placed with another foster family and subsequently gave up hope of finding “a permanent home”.
But to her disbelief, her original foster parents reassured her that they wanted her back. They have since committed themselves to better understanding her mental health struggles.
“Though I was once a stranger to them, they were willing to love me as their own child, to stick with me through thick and thin,” she said. “They gave me hope … and a sense of security.
“I can always run to them.”
Alejado could feel that her foster family cared for her, though she found it difficult to open up about her issues at first.
Being with them has also taught her the importance of communication and dealing healthily with conflict in relationships.
“If you want (something) to last, you have to speak about what matters and be able to share your struggles and to trust one another,” she said.
FAMILIES TO STAY WITH FOREVER
Since ageing out of the foster care system at 21 years old, all three youths have stayed with their foster families — not out of a sense of obligation but because they were home.
Each family also opted to skip the adoption formalities owing to the tedium and costs of the legal process. It had no material impact on their living arrangements either.
Mealtimes are some of Alejado’s most cherished memories with her foster family. Her birth father used to forbid her from joining in meals at the table.
For these former foster children, one thing is clear: The stable, loving homes provided by their foster families have had a transformative effect on their lives.
“Without my foster parents, I don’t think I’d be able to do what I’m doing now,” said Ong-Nonis. “Without them, I can’t be who I am.”
Tan had this to say: “Because of how my parents have always been taking care of me and the people around them, (it makes me) want to be like them.”
As for Alejado, religion and counselling have helped her deal with old wounds.
She has come to see her birth family as a representation of the difficult times she had gone through, while her foster family represents “a new life or a new beginning”.
“(It’s) like there’s a future for me, and it’s not just about surviving,” she said. “They’re the family I want to be with forever, and I know they feel the same way.”
Alejado with her forever family.
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Source: CNA/dp
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