Have you ever bumped into an ex? It’s a tricky situation, running into someone you have split up with. So, imagine if you had to face your ex-husband every day because you still live together after the divorce.
There is no law in Singapore prohibiting divorced couples from continuing to live together. The Women’s Charter states that they may do so but need proof of being in different households and that their relationship has irretrievably broken down.
Co-living while divorced should be viewed as if both parties are tenants in the home. “This is not a common practice in Singapore but I have seen the rise in numbers,” said Gloria James, head lawyer at Gloria James-Civetta & Co.
As financial costs and children are at the heart of such arrangements, an agreement drawn up following the couple’s divorce would help.
This would state each party’s duties towards the shared home, including their children’s expenses. “Parental responsibilities can be outlined clearly, together with their maintenance obligations,” James said.
Lawyers and counsellors encourage couples who continue to live together after divorce to draw up an agreement stating each party’s duties towards the shared home. (Photo: iStock/Vitezslav Vylicil)
For couples with young children, she encouraged parties to include a clause to not introduce new partners for as long as they are staying under the same roof or until an acceptable time.
Whether it’s in interaction time, or on holidays, it is unfair to introduce additional elements to their lives. James added: “The last thing you need is forcing the children to accept this new change.”
She doesn’t see such arrangements for the long-term though. “As children grow older and become more aware of their family situations, such arrangements are not feasible.”
Said Steven Yeo, a senior counsellor and psychotherapist from Incontact Counselling: “Most couples who have such unconventional arrangements are re-establishing what divorces look like. This way, the arrangement offers the least disruption to their lifestyle and financial situations.”
Yeo has counselled over 200 couples in the last seven years and he believes in setting a plan that includes:
“The plan should include learning to create space for establishing individual identity and role re-definition, post-divorce,” Yeo said.
Carolyn (not her real name), who is in her late forties, got divorced over 10 years ago. The entrepreneur told CNA Women that she and her husband grew apart while she was growing her business.
“Maybe we had a big age gap, or I got married too young so as I got older, I realised we wanted different things. I wanted my business to grow and was passionate about that, while he did not share my ambition,” she reflected.
Their two children were in primary school then and she wanted to keep things stable. “Imagine being in primary school, you’re coping with schoolwork and exams but your parents split up. You have to move house and divide your time between them… it’s a lot for young children,” she said.
One woman’s ex-husband lived in a different part of the house so that their kids could continue to see their father regularly. (Photo: iStock/Cunaplus_M.Faba)
Thanks to her successful business, she managed to buy a home large enough for them all – her ex lived in one section of the house. This meant her children saw their father regularly and their lives were not upended.
The family’s living arrangement continued throughout the kids’ primary school years. When they were in secondary school, Carolyn helped her ex set up his own business and eventually, he moved out.
“I’m lucky that my business provided me the means to have this living arrangement. I wanted my children to have access to their father.
“We are better off as friends, but not as husband and wife. Whatever problems we had, were adults’ problem and not the kids’. Their relationship with him should not change because of our divorce.”
Priscilla (not her real name), who is in her late forties, divorced her husband in 2012, when their son was three.
“Looking back, I was focused on our newborn and didn’t give him the attention he needed as his partner,” the general manager said.
Her husband moved out when their son was a few months old then returned a few months later to try and make things work. But things fell apart in a year.
She continued to live with him in the same house although they had separate rooms. By then, she was a solo parent to their one-year-old son.
“He was never around when it mattered. When our son was sick with a high fever, instead of staying around to help, he bailed to go on a date,” she said.
When a huge fight turned physical and she injured her hand, they realised that fighting was futile – and he moved out permanently. “We saw it was important for us both to acknowledge that our relationship was over. That everything we were doing should benefit our son,” she said.
One family has been taking holidays together, comprising the exes and their teenage son. (Photo: iStock/shisheng ling)
Priscilla says the family is in a better position now. They have been taking holidays together and even share rooms or apartments when travelling. “I’ll have my own bed while the boys take the sofa bed or vice versa.”
She admitted it was hard at first but in recent years, the focus on their now-teenage son helped create a stable environment for the family.
“This formula doesn’t work for everyone. I had some resentment over the loss of my freedom during his toddler years and felt sad at having to be single. But I wouldn’t trade my son’s well-being for anything. I have no regrets at my decision.”
In 2018, after five years of arguing, Rumi (not her real name), 40, an IT consultant, started proceedings for a divorce from her husband.
Initially, she was prepared to move out. However, during the divorce proceedings, the judge said that if she did not have an issue with her in-laws, living with them would provide stability for her six-year-old son as her husband had already moved out in 2017.
She realised that the strain was with the husband and not her in-laws. “They treat people well and I observed that they operate with a sense of integrity, even in difficult situations.
“They did not take their son’s side or meddle with the divorce proceedings. In fact, they provided great support for my son and me then.”
It was the key factor for her continuing to live with them. While her son does not see his father as often, she has left it to her ex to manage his relationship with their son.
One woman, who continued to live with her in-laws after the divorce while her ex-husband moved out, said it kept a familiar and positive energy in the home for her and her son. (Photo: iStock/Wavebreakmedia)
The plus side is that she now has a better relationship with her ex, and having her son live with his grandparents keeps a familiar and positive energy in the home. “I don’t even have to establish any ground rules because we enjoy spending time together.”
Her ex still visits his parents and helps with pick-up and drop-off duty whenever he is available. “Whether it’s unique or dysfunctional, I don’t know but I see him simply as another family member who just happens to live somewhere else.”
On whether her son was affected by this living arrangement, Rumi said: “He is very flexible and tends to go with the flow. Prioritising my child is the most important thing. It doesn’t mean you continue in a marriage that makes you miserable.
“I jokingly told my ex, ‘Our marriage may have ended but I’ll keep your parents'.”
It may seem dysfunctional to others but the women said they thought hard about their decision.
More often than not, their reasons are practical financially and logistically, as was the case with Carolyn. “I would not trade my children’s mental health for anything,” she said. “We have a good relationship now and that’s rare for divorced couples, so I feel blessed, even if it felt hard at first.”
Priscilla shared a similar perspective. “Looking at my son now, it makes all the awkwardness worth it. My only wish is for him to grow up well and not be affected by his parents’ split, so I hope I have done all I can to create that safety for him,” she said.
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Continue reading...
There is no law in Singapore prohibiting divorced couples from continuing to live together. The Women’s Charter states that they may do so but need proof of being in different households and that their relationship has irretrievably broken down.
Co-living while divorced should be viewed as if both parties are tenants in the home. “This is not a common practice in Singapore but I have seen the rise in numbers,” said Gloria James, head lawyer at Gloria James-Civetta & Co.
As financial costs and children are at the heart of such arrangements, an agreement drawn up following the couple’s divorce would help.
This would state each party’s duties towards the shared home, including their children’s expenses. “Parental responsibilities can be outlined clearly, together with their maintenance obligations,” James said.
Lawyers and counsellors encourage couples who continue to live together after divorce to draw up an agreement stating each party’s duties towards the shared home. (Photo: iStock/Vitezslav Vylicil)
For couples with young children, she encouraged parties to include a clause to not introduce new partners for as long as they are staying under the same roof or until an acceptable time.
Whether it’s in interaction time, or on holidays, it is unfair to introduce additional elements to their lives. James added: “The last thing you need is forcing the children to accept this new change.”
She doesn’t see such arrangements for the long-term though. “As children grow older and become more aware of their family situations, such arrangements are not feasible.”
Said Steven Yeo, a senior counsellor and psychotherapist from Incontact Counselling: “Most couples who have such unconventional arrangements are re-establishing what divorces look like. This way, the arrangement offers the least disruption to their lifestyle and financial situations.”
Yeo has counselled over 200 couples in the last seven years and he believes in setting a plan that includes:
- Consideration for one another, including the children, pertaining to the new lifestyle, their schedules and preferences
- Boundaries on what’s acceptable and what’s not
- Adapting
“The plan should include learning to create space for establishing individual identity and role re-definition, post-divorce,” Yeo said.
LIVING WITH THE EX FOR YEARS AFTER DIVORCE
Carolyn (not her real name), who is in her late forties, got divorced over 10 years ago. The entrepreneur told CNA Women that she and her husband grew apart while she was growing her business.
“Maybe we had a big age gap, or I got married too young so as I got older, I realised we wanted different things. I wanted my business to grow and was passionate about that, while he did not share my ambition,” she reflected.
Their two children were in primary school then and she wanted to keep things stable. “Imagine being in primary school, you’re coping with schoolwork and exams but your parents split up. You have to move house and divide your time between them… it’s a lot for young children,” she said.
One woman’s ex-husband lived in a different part of the house so that their kids could continue to see their father regularly. (Photo: iStock/Cunaplus_M.Faba)
Thanks to her successful business, she managed to buy a home large enough for them all – her ex lived in one section of the house. This meant her children saw their father regularly and their lives were not upended.
The family’s living arrangement continued throughout the kids’ primary school years. When they were in secondary school, Carolyn helped her ex set up his own business and eventually, he moved out.
“I’m lucky that my business provided me the means to have this living arrangement. I wanted my children to have access to their father.
“We are better off as friends, but not as husband and wife. Whatever problems we had, were adults’ problem and not the kids’. Their relationship with him should not change because of our divorce.”
SHARING ROOMS WITH THE EX WHILE ON HOLIDAY
Priscilla (not her real name), who is in her late forties, divorced her husband in 2012, when their son was three.
“Looking back, I was focused on our newborn and didn’t give him the attention he needed as his partner,” the general manager said.
Her husband moved out when their son was a few months old then returned a few months later to try and make things work. But things fell apart in a year.
She continued to live with him in the same house although they had separate rooms. By then, she was a solo parent to their one-year-old son.
“He was never around when it mattered. When our son was sick with a high fever, instead of staying around to help, he bailed to go on a date,” she said.
When a huge fight turned physical and she injured her hand, they realised that fighting was futile – and he moved out permanently. “We saw it was important for us both to acknowledge that our relationship was over. That everything we were doing should benefit our son,” she said.
One family has been taking holidays together, comprising the exes and their teenage son. (Photo: iStock/shisheng ling)
Priscilla says the family is in a better position now. They have been taking holidays together and even share rooms or apartments when travelling. “I’ll have my own bed while the boys take the sofa bed or vice versa.”
She admitted it was hard at first but in recent years, the focus on their now-teenage son helped create a stable environment for the family.
“This formula doesn’t work for everyone. I had some resentment over the loss of my freedom during his toddler years and felt sad at having to be single. But I wouldn’t trade my son’s well-being for anything. I have no regrets at my decision.”
MARRIAGE IS OVER BUT LIVING WITH THE IN-LAWS
In 2018, after five years of arguing, Rumi (not her real name), 40, an IT consultant, started proceedings for a divorce from her husband.
Initially, she was prepared to move out. However, during the divorce proceedings, the judge said that if she did not have an issue with her in-laws, living with them would provide stability for her six-year-old son as her husband had already moved out in 2017.
She realised that the strain was with the husband and not her in-laws. “They treat people well and I observed that they operate with a sense of integrity, even in difficult situations.
“They did not take their son’s side or meddle with the divorce proceedings. In fact, they provided great support for my son and me then.”
It was the key factor for her continuing to live with them. While her son does not see his father as often, she has left it to her ex to manage his relationship with their son.
One woman, who continued to live with her in-laws after the divorce while her ex-husband moved out, said it kept a familiar and positive energy in the home for her and her son. (Photo: iStock/Wavebreakmedia)
The plus side is that she now has a better relationship with her ex, and having her son live with his grandparents keeps a familiar and positive energy in the home. “I don’t even have to establish any ground rules because we enjoy spending time together.”
Her ex still visits his parents and helps with pick-up and drop-off duty whenever he is available. “Whether it’s unique or dysfunctional, I don’t know but I see him simply as another family member who just happens to live somewhere else.”
On whether her son was affected by this living arrangement, Rumi said: “He is very flexible and tends to go with the flow. Prioritising my child is the most important thing. It doesn’t mean you continue in a marriage that makes you miserable.
“I jokingly told my ex, ‘Our marriage may have ended but I’ll keep your parents'.”
It may seem dysfunctional to others but the women said they thought hard about their decision.
More often than not, their reasons are practical financially and logistically, as was the case with Carolyn. “I would not trade my children’s mental health for anything,” she said. “We have a good relationship now and that’s rare for divorced couples, so I feel blessed, even if it felt hard at first.”
Priscilla shared a similar perspective. “Looking at my son now, it makes all the awkwardness worth it. My only wish is for him to grow up well and not be affected by his parents’ split, so I hope I have done all I can to create that safety for him,” she said.
CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg.
Continue reading...